I always seem to have had such an ambiguous relationship to being and presence. If I could characterize being, it would not be as a light, or as a centre within, but as a fluid, flowing. Creativity was always a matter of being the conduit, the channel, rather than the source. But then, being a clear conduit would be an identity, though subject to getting blocked.
Still, you have to grow. You have to develop language, and a distinct sense of self. You have to find an expression of self in this foreign language. I think we do this through what we see, and love, and can identify with. It’s like role modelling, except it happens at the level of guts and imagination and a kind of love. It seems to dry out a part of the self, bring it into a light and a warmth, to firm silt into clay, and clay into human flesh.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, it is a hard connection to make though. The sense of lack is so great and gnawing, the sense of not-being, and the lick of flame cannot harden the potters work, this time seemingly.
But nothing is lost, I do believe. Every clue glitters, a mirror of light to the mirror of darkness. Every self loved as unobtainable is an other loved for themselves. All is consummated through every movement and moment and impact. Every response.
With time I’ve come to realize that everything you yearn for and find unattainable, you can become in your own way, but only in your own way. Anything else would waste this extraordinary flux and fluid, though we don’t often think of ourselves positively that way, because we quite understandably yearn for solidity and the sense of authenticity that it does bring. But you can attain one of your own.
Desire and discontent are just the hand of manifestation reaching into the stream of a person’s being. If they are hot enough, they are probably reaching for you. Whether it’s to show you that you are some of the same, or that you are uniquely different, you can’t always tell. But either way, that something real is happening, and it points to the value and love in both you and what you see.