Things are moving. Coasting towards the solstice, deeper into Winter. Lights up in the window for Yule, about to dig out the little black tree with its fiber optic sparkly bits.
Looking back over the year and I do feel grateful and a sense of contentment mixed with expectation, a sense of the blessed unknown.
What threads ran through the year for me, from where I’m standing now?
Well I’m now in a position to spend all my time with Phil, and look after him better, which is the biggest thing for me. He also looks after me through being my husband, and that is the bedrock of my life.
We had an old god join us this year, and I got to embrace parts of myself that had been dormant, but pretty crucial for my sense of individual selfhood, and the importance of individual selfhood in my outlook. That was the logical conclusion of part of how I am, and it’s been more than welcome. I got to embrace my inner monster, and found it good.
To a much greater degree than before, I gave up the moral war. I came to accept that “out there” there is no right and wrong to fight with and for righteously, though I have every intention of shaping my world according to my heart’s desire. Old habits may die hard, but I see that chink in the mind’s armour, and through it I see a clearer and more enjoyable truth.
This year I think I also took steps, slowly and reflectively, to disengage from and refute the common neopagan sense of gender, without getting stuck in my head, or in politics. We do not yet have the language, but we have the substance, if we can open honestly to the universality of flesh and spirit. As I said in one of my earlier posts, “it can only make you who you are”.
I got to eulogize sacred sodomy, and I mainly mention that because it really needed to be done. I think I also do now understand sexual magick better, which is to say communication with spiritual and magical entities through the loving exploration of sex and eroticism. That isn’t something new, but the recognition of its simplicity has been for me.
Almost by chance I came to accept a forgotten reverence for the animal, and explain something about myself and how I function. Through continuing to explore the elements, and the help of a very talented hand reader, I’ve also continued to understand myself better, that healing is central to what I’m about, that being able to be a clear channel is important for me, that it is deep in my nature, to be dark and empty and love from that place, with a sense of bliss that vibrates like the hum of myriad bees, far, far away. My world is getting slacker, less verbal, shaded with rose.
I don’t blame myself anymore. I am unhooked, and like a fish tossed back, the anguish is gone, in the open water.
A lot let go, and so much to embrace :0)