It’s not surprising that people make so much of this time of year that we have just been through – the fairy lights and displays, the gatherings, the presents and cards and greetings, the food and alcohol, the fireworks at new year’s, the parties. Because then you get this. And at least you can pretend that it feels this crap because you might still be a bit hung over. That it’s just a bit of an anti-climax. But basically, this time of year is shit. It’s cold, and a tiny bit lighter, and there’s loads of Winter still to come, and it’s kinda dead. Yeah it’s necessary, and since when did I do necessary? I’ll grant you that the crispness and barrenness has its own 15 minutes of charm, and it kills the bugs, and the night skies are amazing with Orion and sparkling Sirius when they are clear of cloud cover. But that’s being economical with the truth. It’s about 80% crap right now.
But I’m not unbiased. Not only would I happily live in a warm to hot climate all year round, with seasons that don’t lie about being Spring and Summer when they aren’t declaring “yeah, I meant Winter, and here’s more rain btw”, but the planets have been pretty edgy. That bloody Uranus Pluto square continues to hit my Moon in Aries, but joined by an opposition from Mars in fun loving, uncomplicated Libra. Yeah, it’s a real barrel of sunshine.
Wasn’t in a good mood. But we went to the dentist for some of Phil’s dental work, which needed doing, and the dentist is a really likeable lady, I think probably from West Africa. We’d already been to the GP, and collected the prescriptions from the pharmacy, and we headed for the local supermarket (called with almost Orwellian flair the “Co-operative”). Oh my god. I try and use the shopping cart to clear the way for Phil to follow in his power wheelchair, but there’s just something about today and it’s called “people with fucking children”, more specifically in baby strollers that seat two like some stretch and stack vehicle, jack knifed in the middle of the aisle, while the driver and her friend busy themselves with the dairy section, which has apparently sucked any semblance of intelligence, spacial awareness or consideration from its victims.
We find a way round the kiddy block and continue, and I think I have just understood what Voldemort feels just before he screams that “avada kedavra!” thing. That good. In my reverie I think yeah, what if something just slashed human fertility by 50%. Fuck yeah, I think. I’m feeling real charitable. And Phil asks me what’s wrong, and well in this weather, this time, these people, I just hate what I’m faced with. And it helps to say it to someone. And Phil gives me something to take my mind off it, and we make our way round the store. And I think “it doesn’t matter that I have such negative feelings sometimes”. The world is made up of a lot of stuff, and heck some of the deities I have relations with have some pretty black reputations (for whatever reasons), and if they are ok, then I can be ok too. Not that I’m comparing, but it helps to realize that you love them, and the world isn’t so simple. And midwinter is as good a time as any to do that.
Phil got me some “bear fruit nibbles” as a treat, and we went home, and it was a rather nice twilight, and everything felt warmer and better and cozier. And I got out the daylight lamp. And it really is ok, even at this time of year. And I will find my repose with the world, as I am.