rose petals, strength and long flights

It’s good to go home, and it’s good to be on the road; and sometimes each is a bit of the other.

I recently did a tarot reading for myself, to find out why I was feeling so angry so much. I used the Deviant Moon Tarot, which I really do like, with their mutant, Addams family sensibility.  I got a card, IX of Wands, that showed a figure sitting at the bottom of some stairs that seemed to go down into a basement graveyard or mausoleum, downcast, wearing what looked like an old, beaked plague mask. Wands led up the stairs and one wand was lit like a torch. The card really spoke to me. It said that my anger came from grief, and that it was time to walk up the stairs.

It’s true I have felt a lot of grief, and come to store it away inside me, in the need to “carry on”. The loss of our family home in Nevada. The loss of our children from our lives. The loss of an amount of physical health. The loss of innocence that comes with dealing with crisis. The accumulation of middle age. Even the loss of local Pagan festivals we used to attend, where we would touch base physically with people who actually were friends.

Most of all though, it comes back to a rosy vision of when I first went out to Nevada to meet my husband, and we were handfasted to each other, and dreamed a future for ourselves and our family that was right in front of us, and had no idea of the level of prejudice and denial that we would encounter. We were so fearless and romantic, and with such hope. I remember that, and I don’t want that to die. It was so innocent and pure and luminous.

I cried a lot the day before yesterday, and I felt a lot lighter in the morning, and a lot more at peace, and more alive. It really started when I looked at my husband, and I still couldn’t believe that I have this man, that he wanted me and loved me as he did and does. I got the real thing, and he got me and we came together, and he wanted to marry me. He would move mountains, and he did.

I have to come back to my original vision and my original self, which I was able to find and become so briefly and freely, through my husband’s love. We lost so much apparently, with one blow after another, though we made many victories, and I walled up my grief. And you can’t do that.

I talked to Phil about this and I called upon my old patron goddess (sorry, but “matron” just does not do for all goddesses) Freya, who was so deeply involved in our finding each other, and bringing us together. Funnily the first time I went to my old rune reader Sigve, he turned over a rune for me and laughed and said it was associated with Freya, and that he “really wouldn’t have guessed” (referring I am quite sure to my gayness). She had appeared in a half waking state three mornings ago, but there was no warning of this catharsis. I used to feel like she walked through US immigration with me every time, on my journeys to see my husband and family over there, with my wedding ring safe in my wallet. Sigve used to say “she is like silk, soft but strong as steel”.

I may have lost a great deal, we may have lost a great deal, but some things cannot be lost; this blue skied, high desert oasis, this eye of a storm that left years ago, this magic circle trodden by two husbands round each other in an old western town, it has blessings that are here forever.

And I am proud of what we achieved, and what I have become. I am actually a different person to who I was even two years ago, but I am also the same person who flew to the US and was handfasted to my husband almost nine years ago. I have had to grow, but I have not lost the luminous pearl.

It is time to stop grieving, choose a colour that feels good, and move to a new world.

"The World" - from the Deviant Moon Tarot

“The World” – from the Deviant Moon Tarot



  1. Thank-you for such a heart felt and honest message. Such a compassionate understanding of what you and Phil have gone through and that is definitely in a new powerful direction I feel to a deep and fulfilling life together. Then follow Abraham Hicks: Tell everyone, “you’re happiness depends on me so you’re off the hook.” While it won’t replace the loss of friends and children, the beam of light will bring more happiness to you, as the beam I’m sending both of you.

  2. I am reminded by your last post of the too much and too little (vices) of Venus before you find the virtue of it. Your story showed what it’s like to have too much and too little.
    Too much: Venus must have moon, leisure without meaning is hollow and becomes Lust and you need more “quantity” instead of quality, and then go to gluttony.

    Too Little: Lack of mothers milk, give up playfulness and ease, and being too strict and too much adult discipline. Work after and only then play. Work and then just watch t.v. , they lost sensuality, and they can become icy, and too serious, too old in their mind and become too adult like a dried apple, they’re turned off, no needs, no wishes, no desire and difficult to return to a light version of life, like a child. Watch that you don’t become too reliant on rules and allow your venusian to come out. (if a big venus) and you don’t use it, then you are frustrated.

    Just right:
    Simply Irresistible, Pure love energy, good vibes and pulsing energy, Love experienced without the rules to follow what is good or bad, just for the good of the pure enjoyment, that is reason enough to do it, good social graces (especially if lower Apollo), The bigger the venus, the bigger the engine in your car. Happy to live and just enjoy the day it doesn’t matter, Love, sympathy, warmth, charm, passion, playful, attractive, gourmet, stamina and physical strength and joy competition (if mars), basic urges, instincts, harmony, beloved by people around him, balance, numerology (2) dividing and sharing. Inner happiness (versus Fun) real Playful energy, the child in the man who looks for excitement everywhere, the wider the lifeline, the more the space they need, emotional authenticity, and passion

  3. that’s really interesting Brent, and thanks for sharing the interpretations on Venus. As a matter of interest, where were you seeing the “too much Venus” in the story? I find it easy to see the “too little”, but I might be missing something 🙂

  4. I imagined, and maybe filled in the blanks, that the too much was at the beginning before you moved from the United States and the early days of partying and experimentation (too much) that resulted in a feeling of disowning that part of your life in favour for a choice to live something more adult and meaningful and perhaps safe. And the virtue was a move back in the direction to the fun, family, dinners, friends, drink and excellent food and discussions.

    • that’s interesting Brent, and thank you. I’m not sure I’d characterize my early excesses (of say my twenties) as Venusian, as they were more a response to a world where there was really no place for me, and where there was little expectation of finding love, however much I wanted it (or indeed sex or that kind of physical pleasure, as I found gay scenes largely repulsive). Maybe more of a solar, or Sun-Uranus quality to that. In the years before I found Phil I did find way more “Venus” than I had in all of my earlier life, through my ex, but he did not want to settle down. That would be the nearest to “too much Venus” I guess, as there was a somewhat “bacchanalian” nature to the bear scene we met and socialized in. When I found Phil it was like finding everything, for once. Then the Federal Government intervened, and we had to go through enormous efforts to both make a home together and keep our family together, but our daughter decided eventually against joining us. I’m not sure if that makes more sense of the scheme?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s