dying to live

I am glad we’re past the Aries New Moon, I feel like it was a  good one. Sun-wise we’re also now into the sign of Taurus, which for me means that Summer is not far off in southern England.

I keep on learning, and sometimes the learning is very palpable. Wrong move? Here comes the hopeless taste of depression; not so much the “black dog” as the flat, invisible fog. Human life can look hopeless and ethically incoherent from there. Move the right way, and there is strength and peace, and insights.

One of the biggest things for me has been to move my moral orientations to the level of the individual, the one who you and I really are. That has been a big part of what Satanism has meant to me too. This also is I think implicit in the meaning of Thelema, but Satanism has provided a very direct, boiled down rendition of the same draught.

I think I find nothing sadder and more disheartening than collective politics. It was the supposed great white hope of my generation, indeed the necessary belief, and turning your back on it is still heresy for many. Of course no one gets to completely turn their back on the game, and it’s part of how we do things, how we manage our interdependent life. I’m not talking about getting the vote here, or any number of wtf issues that need to be got out of the way, so people can lead full and free lives. But you do get to withdraw belief, and act pragmatically. For people belonging to minorities (and some non-minorities), identity politics can seem a necessary evil at times, but actually be a herd capitulation far more frequently than is admitted. Make no mistake, there is a price for belief in such collective strategizing, and the price is a loss of self. When you enter the world of collective political belief, Animal Farm is never too far away. Things like “political correctness” are the very thinnest, sour coating on a collectivist pill, and when we go along with this stuff, it is our individuality which gets put in a specimen bottle, on the shelf marked “unacceptable”. You can fight like with like, but you end up assimilated in the dishonest haze, clutching motives that are actually less than noble.

I don’t believe there is anything we can achieve through such means which is not better and more honestly served by the liberation of the individual, and the realization of the individual’s rights. The irony is that such “rights” are universal and unconditional, while speaking to the individual. The rights of identity politics are, on the other hand, deeply selective, conditional and strategic, while talking to what a person is, never who they are. Untangling the game we are caught in does not come easily, but you can untangle yourself  from the game, and make your own choices as an individual. The personal is not political, unless you see other people’s lives as a resource (but can’t admit it). So hands off, oh shiny eyed ones.

I feel like I am breaking habits in my life that cut down into the subconscious. I’m kinda coming to realize where I actually stand and live. The alternative is just not tenable.

At times it feels like something is dying in me, but so that I can actually live. It’s a sense that has come through occasionally but persistently over the last few months. To bring in a very camp reference (for I have no shame), it reminds me of the vampire stories, where the one who is “turning” has to die, in order to draw breath as something new, and be reborn to a new life. The myth is about vampires who live by night and the supersensible, but I think it applies poetically to being truly human, and living as an individual.

I think I understand this process better now than I did during previous parts of my life, and so I do feel that I can make this transition with less resistance and inner conflict, and with greater happiness.

Thus I feel peace, and a vitality which is the better relative of hope.

Christopher Lee in Taste The Blood Of Dracula - Screenshot from

Christopher Lee in Taste The Blood Of Dracula – Screenshot from “Internet Archive” of the movie Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

23rd April 2015: very minor edit to 5th line of 5th paragraph to clarify meaning

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