love, surrender and self-worth

Modern Satanism is known for its emphasis upon self interest, self fulfilment and self determination. But these things are not simplistic. The place of our loved ones has always been acknowledged. Fulfilment of the self through our relationships and love is perfectly Satanic, even when these appear to manifest as selflessness, if that is what fulfils us. It’s us that puts these things into the context that is meaningful to us. Your self is just bigger and deeper than most people are taught.

This year I have come to learn more about myself, more deeply, than I probably have for decades. And in a way, I am more at peace with myself and the world than I have been for a long time. I gave up trying to change the world some time ago, but now I feel like I am just starting to engage with the world as it is (you could call it a kind of existential reconciliation), as who and what I am.

One thing I have come to accept more deeply than ever is the way I love. I am what some people would term a “romantic” (if an open minded one), and am by nature very submissive and devoted in love relationships. People often characterise “falling in love” as a liability, as it goes so far beyond the rational, and can make a person so vulnerable. But falling in love is one of the great archetypal experiences of human life. This is (potentially) where you find who you and another person really are.

Both the opportunity and the problem of this is that one gives oneself away. You surrender completely. It is an enormous risk. But if one is loved back, then you are given back a deeper, truly living self, as one has never known before. What I realised after a while is that though you give everything to a loved one, you get to (indeed you must) accept back your own dignity and self-worth. And this is our Achilles heel, and where one of the common hazards of love occurs. One gives oneself away in total (because that’s what you do in love), and one gives away one’s self-worth temporarily (apart from the most essential self-worth which lies within us always, waiting to be discovered), thus loving is both blissful and incomparably painful at the same time. But this very hazardousness is what allows us to discover ourselves as we really are most deeply, open to another completely, and giving ourselves completely. But then we also get to find our own dignity and self-worth, not just in conventional terms, but in the most deeply personal and essential sense.

It took me time to understand this, partly because of failed experiences from my youth, and also because my nature is so submissive. I embrace that submissiveness, just as I embrace my sexuality without modern labels, my sex, my nature, my self-worth, my dignity and my purpose. It is vulnerable and yielding, but also self-possessed, and it is my inner power in myself.

That is how I love.



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