Today is Full Moon in Taurus, and I’ve been telling people to take advantage of all the planets in Virgo, and do some clearing out, cleaning, sorting, integrating and getting rid of things, going through stuff, focussing on the daily detail that makes up life.
It was a quite beautiful day today, and the energy is quite rich and mellow. I’ve taken my own advice, and started going through our boxes of packed things to try and clear the hall way. We have a lot of boxes, due to our having had to move every six months to two and a half years in the past, before we came to rest in our present home in Poplar.
I’ve tried getting started on this before, but would give up after about half an hour or so, but today was the day. It was really worth it.
Going through boxes is like biographical archeology, you uncover the remains of previous lives and previous ages; except sometimes you find that you are still back there in the earth, waiting to be returned to a life in the present, or some of your life is waiting to be returned to you.
I found things going back 10 years (and earlier), and some of that stuff did need to be thrown out or shredded. I found our original “wedding invitation” for 3rd June 2006, which we had to revise as some paperwork delayed our Civil Partnership to July. I found a lot of Phil’s old stuff, including his baby shoes, and photos from his childhood (none of these things got thrown out).
I also found the photo of Phil that I kept on my bedside table when we were still working towards living in the same country, and somehow keep our family together, which by that time meant looking into relocation to the UK. It’s in the same photo frame it was then. Good god I love than man so much, and I remember his tireless, optimistic spirit, his bull like strength in the face of adversity, and his guileless faith. I would do everything all over again for him.
Phil in his room back at Corbett Street, Carson City, 2005
I found some things relating to our therapy business that we set up in 2006, but that folded when the recession hit. I’m so proud of what we made then, but especially what Phil achieved, and again I’m just reminded of the bright, generous and inventive work that Phil did to try and realize such a positive vision. He worked endlessly to make things work.
There were also things from our eldest daughter, things she’d made out of beads for Phil. She decided against joining us after her return to Nevada in 2007, and since then she has had to concentrate on her life and studies. The separation from her, and the loss of what was our family, were some of the hardest things to go through, and I think they took some of the worst toll, but these stories aren’t over till they’re over. Since my husband went through his severe health issues four years ago now, my only job has been looking out for him though. But he will always be a dad, and he will always love his kids. I love them too, but my man has to come first, because that’s my job and my path. In that way I think I am like my mother.
Going through more boxes I got to stuff that was nearer in time, a lot of Phil’s ritual things that he had got, and things going back to our time in Bow, before we knew the course our life would take with Phil’s illness then. We were still working towards things then, but it’s difficult to look at that time without some trepidation. But we kept on going, damn right we did. I felt a little clouded with all that though, if undaunted, when I opened a bag, and there were two things I hadn’t seen in a long while. One was my original Thor’s hammer which I couldn’t find for years, a beautiful silver hammer with ring, and the other was a smooth piece of black onyx which Phil had given me in Nevada on probably my second visit, when we were going full tilt to try and still get me there, with all the obstacles that entailed. It was in a little red draw string bag, and I remember Phil giving it to me in the car in Carson City out towards the shop “All Things Mystical”. It was an anchor, and for protection, and overcoming negativity. Here it was, with my Thor’s hammer. It’s almost like they came back to remind me, at just the right time, especially the onyx.
And then I found the plaque we had made, that we put on the outside of our first home in Carson City, the one I couldn’t legally stay in, where our dream began. And I’ve been putting stuff up today. You sometimes have to go through this kind of sifting and emotional remembrance to understand, with full intention and better realization, that everything you had then still lives, and that your survival, and your changed selves, they include the essence of what you were. You need that to both live fully, and also be able to move on. Returning a piece of yourselves, so you can really be here now.
And this morning, as I was beginning this stuff, I changed the subtitle of the blog to “fat happy satanists”, because basically I want everything, and I want to celebrate and enjoy what is right for me.
You just keep on growing, with the life that you want.